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Tuesday, November 08, 2005
There was a day when it was just me before the Lord--my pain, my insecurity, my deep disappointment about the way my life turned out. I was crying; actually, I was sobbing like a baby. My heart was racing and my chest felt like it was going to explode. And finally, through a blur of tears, these words made their way to my journal:
Oh God, do You think I'm beautiful?
No one else has been able, so is it You? Are You the One who longs for me--the One who can fill this desire to be known? There is so much inside of me, a great well of passion and dreams. A place I never let myself go. Is it safe to trust You with the rest of my heart? What will You do with me if I show You everything? Every desire? Every longing?
Every doubt? Every weakness? If I am exposed before You, will You still love me? Is Your forgiveness truly irreversible? Is Your grace really free? Will You hold me and care for me in the dark?
Oh God, hold me, please hold me and tell me that You love me.
Tell me that I am desirable.
Tell me that You'll fight for me.
Tell me that I am beautiful.
It's just me.
You see it all. You know it's just me. You know how You've made me, and You know how You've made me, and You know how to speak so that I can hear. I cannot move until I hear from You.
In the wilderness of that room, as alone as I have ever been, the Lord met me. The words formed in my mind began to answer the question. In my imagination I could sense the Lord patiently smiling over me, and I heard Him speak into my heart:
Yes, I think that You are beautiful.
Your desire has served its purpose; you have finally brought your true heart to Me. Are you tired of the weight of pretending? Are you tired of hoping that someone else could fill the place that was meant for Me? I see you, all of you, and you do not have to hide anymore. I see your sin and I see your flaws and I still desire you as My own. I am crazy about you. I am the answer for your longing. The "more" that your heart waits is for Me.
Yes, dear one, yes, you are incredibly beautiful to Me.
Wholeness comes from God, not from any other relationship or thing or feeling. You have been made by God, for God, and apart from Him there will always be emptiness in your soul.
A good man can be wonderful. But he can never be enough, and he can never make you whole. You and I were made for even more. We were made for God.
Man is simply a vessel. God uses them to give you a part of the filling of His holy love. But they are not the only vessel, nor are they able to fill you from their own strength, nor are they the only thing you will ever need. God's love lets us smile at man's quirks, just as God smiles at ours. If I wanted to ruin the blessings I enjoy, all I'd have to do is begin to expect them to fill my soul. They'd feel pressure. I'd be disappointed, we'd grow distant. They are great, but they cannot be enough. That place is reserved for God.
If your daddy never called you beautiful or asked you to dance or swung you around in his arms, you may hesitate when I tell you of God's wild love for you. Believe that God in heaven is not distant. He is not judgemental. He does not reject. He does not harm.
Your father was meant to be a vessel. Maybe he has been that. Or maybe he never even came close. Do not lose heart. Remember, he was only supposed to be a vessel. He was one of the many. He was never supposed to be enough. You were still made to be filled by God.
When God says, "Come dance with Me," He is not saying you have to know all the steps. You do not have to be embarrassed to learn, because He is a patient teacher. You can put your feet on His, and He will carry you around. Eventually, His steps will become yours.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Eveline pops at |9:28 PM|
Captivate my heart, dear Jesus
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------There was a day when it was just me before the Lord--my pain, my insecurity, my deep disappointment about the way my life turned out. I was crying; actually, I was sobbing like a baby. My heart was racing and my chest felt like it was going to explode. And finally, through a blur of tears, these words made their way to my journal:
Oh God, do You think I'm beautiful?
No one else has been able, so is it You? Are You the One who longs for me--the One who can fill this desire to be known? There is so much inside of me, a great well of passion and dreams. A place I never let myself go. Is it safe to trust You with the rest of my heart? What will You do with me if I show You everything? Every desire? Every longing?
Every doubt? Every weakness? If I am exposed before You, will You still love me? Is Your forgiveness truly irreversible? Is Your grace really free? Will You hold me and care for me in the dark?
Oh God, hold me, please hold me and tell me that You love me.
Tell me that I am desirable.
Tell me that You'll fight for me.
Tell me that I am beautiful.
It's just me.
You see it all. You know it's just me. You know how You've made me, and You know how You've made me, and You know how to speak so that I can hear. I cannot move until I hear from You.
In the wilderness of that room, as alone as I have ever been, the Lord met me. The words formed in my mind began to answer the question. In my imagination I could sense the Lord patiently smiling over me, and I heard Him speak into my heart:
Yes, I think that You are beautiful.
Your desire has served its purpose; you have finally brought your true heart to Me. Are you tired of the weight of pretending? Are you tired of hoping that someone else could fill the place that was meant for Me? I see you, all of you, and you do not have to hide anymore. I see your sin and I see your flaws and I still desire you as My own. I am crazy about you. I am the answer for your longing. The "more" that your heart waits is for Me.
Yes, dear one, yes, you are incredibly beautiful to Me.
Wholeness comes from God, not from any other relationship or thing or feeling. You have been made by God, for God, and apart from Him there will always be emptiness in your soul.
A good man can be wonderful. But he can never be enough, and he can never make you whole. You and I were made for even more. We were made for God.
Man is simply a vessel. God uses them to give you a part of the filling of His holy love. But they are not the only vessel, nor are they able to fill you from their own strength, nor are they the only thing you will ever need. God's love lets us smile at man's quirks, just as God smiles at ours. If I wanted to ruin the blessings I enjoy, all I'd have to do is begin to expect them to fill my soul. They'd feel pressure. I'd be disappointed, we'd grow distant. They are great, but they cannot be enough. That place is reserved for God.
If your daddy never called you beautiful or asked you to dance or swung you around in his arms, you may hesitate when I tell you of God's wild love for you. Believe that God in heaven is not distant. He is not judgemental. He does not reject. He does not harm.
Your father was meant to be a vessel. Maybe he has been that. Or maybe he never even came close. Do not lose heart. Remember, he was only supposed to be a vessel. He was one of the many. He was never supposed to be enough. You were still made to be filled by God.
When God says, "Come dance with Me," He is not saying you have to know all the steps. You do not have to be embarrassed to learn, because He is a patient teacher. You can put your feet on His, and He will carry you around. Eventually, His steps will become yours.
Do you think I'm beautiful?
Angela Thomas
Eveline pops at |9:28 PM|