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Sunday, December 30, 2007
Dear God,
This year, 2007, had been a year of pain. A year of testing, refining, and crying. A year where many things happened which I did not understand, yet I had cling on to the sentence that You are always good. Yet, You were always so close to me.
You allowed me to meet my own flaws this year, constantly trying to take pride in my own achievements, under the mask that I’m doing this for You.
Pride. And You had to remove me from leadership. I met with many of my failures, and I felt so inferior, but when I accept that You accept me and love me despite my failures, I begin to not dwell in it’s ‘power’. I understood that, even if people respect me for certain things, so what? I would still fail them in some way, I do not need to try to live up to their image of me, coz I’ll not be free again.
I am free now, I do not need people’s good opinion of me to be happy.
Insecurity. I was so insecure during my leadership, that I kept looking to people to affirm me that I was doing good, but somehow, still felt that it was insufficient, for the group did not grow. I realize that I can never be a good leader if I constantly want to please men. The only person I need to have approval from, is You, God. And I already have it, I can be free to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading to do what You want me to do.
I used to read Isaiah 60 in a very self-centered, self-glorifying way because of the promises God gave me for Zion. “Then, I will show them, they’ll stop looking down on me.” Only when Zion was gone, did I find a little more understanding to what that verse means, about being forsaken and hated, because everyone left Israel. I used to think being forsaken and hated with no one passing through means like our cell group, where there was only 12 people, no one really pass through us. But now, it is even more forsaken coz Zion is gone.
But God, You were the One who gathered Israel back and multiplied them, bringing glory to Yourself. Because, You wouldn’t be glorified if I strived with my own effort and said You did it, “The work of Your hands that You may be glorified”. You never will share Your glory, “My glory I will not give to another”. I always constantly want You to do it my way, in my limited understanding, to bring about my results. But I realize that You want all the glory in my life.
Like, how I wanted You to give me good results in O’s so that I can “glorify You” on TV? But You didn’t care about how I would portray You on TV, because You knew that I would have taken pride in it. So You let my prelim results be really lousy, where I really humbled myself, knowing that I cannot do it. Then, only, during O’s, You let me get good results, where I can truly glorify You.
Yes, and I believe this time is the same. (I don’t know why I always take so long to get it) You know I would strive with my own effort to get the results of many people in the cell group. You know it, so You make my already quite small cell group into nothing, gone, dispersed. That one day, if You were to bring them back together and multiply them, then truly You will be glorified.
But God, let Your will be done. Not mine, but Yours. That You may be truly glorified.
Thank You, God, most loving. When I protested, You still did it, when I was crying and begging, You still did it. For my sake, for You loved me, You saw what was ahead. Thank You for taking me out of leadership for many reasons, and more importantly, because You wanted my relationship with You. You wanted me to be in love with You again, You wanted me to be free to live for You again, You wanted me to be free to obey the Holy Spirit and not people again. Most importantly, You wanted me. Me, as beautiful, as free, funny and crazy as You created me to be. Not bound, weeping, discouraged and dejected as the devil wants me to be.
Holy Spirit, I ask of You, please keep me close to You. I want to be closer to You, for those who walk with You will never be proud, for You will always glorify Jesus. But more than that, I know, when I walk with You, I have confidence and power, joy and peace. I need that. I need these from the King’s table.
I want to be gracious and beautiful like Aunty Magrate, but I realize that I still want to be beautiful in people’s eyes. Holy Spirit, I ask of You to change that. I want to be beautiful, so that I can impress You. I want to be beautiful, for I know that my heart will be truly free. I want to be Yours.
Holy Spirit, I need that worshipful heart. I don’t have one, but I know that is beautiful to You. I let go of all the people that I want to impress with my beautiful heart and form. I want to be beautiful to You.
O dear God, I want to be Yours alone.
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Eveline pops at |11:47 AM|
Captivate my heart, dear Jesus
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear God,
This year, 2007, had been a year of pain. A year of testing, refining, and crying. A year where many things happened which I did not understand, yet I had cling on to the sentence that You are always good. Yet, You were always so close to me.
You allowed me to meet my own flaws this year, constantly trying to take pride in my own achievements, under the mask that I’m doing this for You.
Pride. And You had to remove me from leadership. I met with many of my failures, and I felt so inferior, but when I accept that You accept me and love me despite my failures, I begin to not dwell in it’s ‘power’. I understood that, even if people respect me for certain things, so what? I would still fail them in some way, I do not need to try to live up to their image of me, coz I’ll not be free again.
I am free now, I do not need people’s good opinion of me to be happy.
Insecurity. I was so insecure during my leadership, that I kept looking to people to affirm me that I was doing good, but somehow, still felt that it was insufficient, for the group did not grow. I realize that I can never be a good leader if I constantly want to please men. The only person I need to have approval from, is You, God. And I already have it, I can be free to follow the Holy Spirit’s leading to do what You want me to do.
I used to read Isaiah 60 in a very self-centered, self-glorifying way because of the promises God gave me for Zion. “Then, I will show them, they’ll stop looking down on me.” Only when Zion was gone, did I find a little more understanding to what that verse means, about being forsaken and hated, because everyone left Israel. I used to think being forsaken and hated with no one passing through means like our cell group, where there was only 12 people, no one really pass through us. But now, it is even more forsaken coz Zion is gone.
But God, You were the One who gathered Israel back and multiplied them, bringing glory to Yourself. Because, You wouldn’t be glorified if I strived with my own effort and said You did it, “The work of Your hands that You may be glorified”. You never will share Your glory, “My glory I will not give to another”. I always constantly want You to do it my way, in my limited understanding, to bring about my results. But I realize that You want all the glory in my life.
Like, how I wanted You to give me good results in O’s so that I can “glorify You” on TV? But You didn’t care about how I would portray You on TV, because You knew that I would have taken pride in it. So You let my prelim results be really lousy, where I really humbled myself, knowing that I cannot do it. Then, only, during O’s, You let me get good results, where I can truly glorify You.
Yes, and I believe this time is the same. (I don’t know why I always take so long to get it) You know I would strive with my own effort to get the results of many people in the cell group. You know it, so You make my already quite small cell group into nothing, gone, dispersed. That one day, if You were to bring them back together and multiply them, then truly You will be glorified.
But God, let Your will be done. Not mine, but Yours. That You may be truly glorified.
Thank You, God, most loving. When I protested, You still did it, when I was crying and begging, You still did it. For my sake, for You loved me, You saw what was ahead. Thank You for taking me out of leadership for many reasons, and more importantly, because You wanted my relationship with You. You wanted me to be in love with You again, You wanted me to be free to live for You again, You wanted me to be free to obey the Holy Spirit and not people again. Most importantly, You wanted me. Me, as beautiful, as free, funny and crazy as You created me to be. Not bound, weeping, discouraged and dejected as the devil wants me to be.
Holy Spirit, I ask of You, please keep me close to You. I want to be closer to You, for those who walk with You will never be proud, for You will always glorify Jesus. But more than that, I know, when I walk with You, I have confidence and power, joy and peace. I need that. I need these from the King’s table.
I want to be gracious and beautiful like Aunty Magrate, but I realize that I still want to be beautiful in people’s eyes. Holy Spirit, I ask of You to change that. I want to be beautiful, so that I can impress You. I want to be beautiful, for I know that my heart will be truly free. I want to be Yours.
Holy Spirit, I need that worshipful heart. I don’t have one, but I know that is beautiful to You. I let go of all the people that I want to impress with my beautiful heart and form. I want to be beautiful to You.
O dear God, I want to be Yours alone.
Eveline pops at |11:47 AM|